Shame: A Cause & A Cure
Relationships. We all have them. We are all wounded in them. We are all healed in them.
A Cause.
The most severe forms of trauma happen in the context of relationship; particularly, a relationship where there is a true and/or perceived power differential (i.e. adult-child, man-woman, government-citizen, etc). That power differential can be physical, emotional, spiritual, political, intellectual, etc. The relational trauma is often born out of the person of power taking advantage of the dependent person which causes a collapse of trust, a dissolution of safety, and the source of safety (or authority) now becoming the source of pain and overwhelming horror. This can lead to a gamut of struggles internally and externally for the wounded person, and one of the most sinister struggles is SHAME.
“I should have done something to stop it.”
“I’m the reason they did that to me.”
“I’m dirty and damaged so it’s my fault.”
“I am defective (disgusting, soiled).”
“I am weak (incompetent, unworthy).”
These statements and so many more bombard the wounded person. Cognitive approaches to healing suggest that merely challenging this type of thinking, and understanding that these statements are not true is enough for healing. However, you cannot talk someone out of something that was a felt experience that is now trapped in their body. The rational mind often is no match for overwhelming emotions. A basic example is being on a roller coaster and feeling anxious and fear—your rational mind knows you’re safe and this is supposed to be fun, yet your body has those feelings regardless. The “negative” self-talk is not the root of the issue, but rather the expression of a deeper wound. These statements though reinforce the FEELING of shame and it’s an endless cycle—feeling shame, negative thoughts, feel more shame. We have to understand that our body is often ahead of our mind. Emotions and their expression in the body are both involuntary and responsive. This means we feel things automatically about something before even thinking a thought about it, and then we feel things in response to those thoughts.
So, then how do we understand shame as a “felt experience”? Patricia DeYoung in her book Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame: A Relational/Neurobiological Approach states, “Shame is the experience of one’s felt sense of self disintegrating in relation to a dysregulating other. (p. 18)” Shame is the very experience of becoming fragmented, fractured, and broken by the relationship and presence of another. Shame causes separation, and prevents connection. Shame tells us who we are in relation to another, and the verdict is always, “You’re not enough.”
So how do we address something that we can’t talk ourselves out of or through?
A Cure.
“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” -Brene Brown
See, the cure to shame is a felt experience of being understood by another. It doesn’t begin with challenging the negative thoughts that shame spews out, and the first steps have more to do with taking the risk of human relationship again. However, this time it needs to be with a trusted someone that has the ability to lay aside their feelings and perspective, and create space for your story to be known, felt, and understood. It is in this space connection happens, and what was fragmented, fractured, and broken is tended to, stitched, and healed. A very succinct way to lay out how this can happen is through DeYoung’s “PACE” acronym (p. 83). PACE stands for “playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, and empathy.” These qualities embody a healing relationship that can cure shame. It is from these kinds of relationships that we come to know the truth that we are worthy just as we are.
The Rapha Project aims to teach others how to create & foster these types of relationships for those who need them as well as bring this kind of space to the survivors of trauma so shame can no longer survive. Join us in eradicating destructive shame, and let’s heal the nations together.
